The loooong Muggle survey by Draco Malfoy
by Lorielen
Summary: Every single one of us has taken the time to respond one of those e-mail surveys. Draco did too - a bit against his will, mind you - and this is what turned out.


Title: The Looong Muggle Survey by Draco  
Rating: PG  
Category: Parody  
Summary: Every single one of us has taken the time to respond one of those e-mail surveys. Draco did too - a bit against his will, mind you - and this is what turned out.  
Disclaimer: sadly, I don't owe them. They're JKR's to do as she pleases... maybe she'd let me borrow Draco sometime? *hopeful* 

_AN:this is long and dumb, really.  
Once you've been warned, this is how this particular piece works: Draco and I chat during the story - no Mary Sue-isms, calm down - and he answers one of those e-mail surveys. You know, those that ask every tiny detail about you. Draco's details are just.. delicious. _

_I didn't come up with this all by myself. I stopped by Tizzy and Kat's page and saw their 'long survey'; then I went check my e-mail and a friend had sent me one too. I just couldn't resist it. I mixed both, and voilà!_

The loooong Muggle survey

-- 

Draco sighed and ran a hand for his platinum blond hair. He so hated Muggle Studies. 

Why on earth was Draco Lucifer Malfoy in a Muggle Studies class? 

_Bloody runes teacher got sick, that's why._

Thank you for clarifying, Draco. Hey, don't scowl like that. It's not my fault! 

_You're the blasted author; I suppose pretty much everything that happens will be your fault now won't it?_

Erm... it's a way to see things. But cool down, I won't do anything too terrible. I'm a fan of yours! *grins* 

And everyone isn't? 

Well, they should. But let me quit this, the reader is looking annoyed. 

_Why should SHE be annoyed?! *I'm* the one stuck with Muggle Studies!_

Draco ran his beautiful, icy greyish ey- ahem, he looked around the room. There were several Ravenclaws there, a few Hufflepuffs and two or three Gryffindors. 

_Why ain't I surprised to see Mudblood Granger here?_

I don't know. Perhaps it has to do with Hermione having signed up to practically ALL extra subjects on Hogwarts. 

_Bingo._

There weren't any Slytherins in the room, though. When informed that they were to attend a Muggle Studies class, they had simply walked out of the classroom. All of them except for Draco. 

_Not like I didn't want to do that, but my Father would have my ass on a silver plate if he heard I was skipping classes._

Yes, we all know that. Everybody know of all the pressure you have at home, to live up to the Malfoy name. It must be so difficult and... 

_Don't pity me because I'm a Malfoy. It's the reason I can make your life miserable if you dare making me angry, and to social knowledge I do not like people that pity me._

Ok, ok, sorry... *murmuring* Git.... 

"Class, your attention please!" 

Ah, that's Professor Heyes. Her voice is piercing, not in the leas bit pleasant. Maybe it's because she opens her mouth too much to talk. Or maybe she does that because her mouth is too big... She always has her brownish hair hanging loose, and she loves to wear neutral colours like beige. 

"As it's Friday and our last class of the week, it's time for a game!" 

Draco rolled his eyes. 

_Typical Muggle. Snape would have given us double homework, because it'd be two days until the next class._

"Remember last class, when we talked about Muggle computers and their electronic mail?" 

Hermione Granger nodded vigorously and Draco felt an urge to use some nasty, painful curse on her.  
Heyes took some paper sheets from an envelope and started distributing them to the class. 

Draco looked at his with disguised interest; he wasn't used to that thin, white kind of parchment. 

"This is an e-mail chain. People fill it with information about themselves and pass forward to their mailing lists, just so that their friends can get to know them better. Have fun!" 

Draco looked more closely at the paper, and then at his wristwatch. Thirty long minutes until the class was to end. 

_Don't you try to induce me to fill in this Mudblood thing because I won't do it._

Yes you will. I'm the author and I say you have to do it! 

_Make me._

Fine. 

"Mr. Malfoy, do you have any problems with the survey?" 

Professor Heyes' voice hurt Draco's ears. 

_You play dirty._

'Any means to achieve the ends' rings a bell for you? 

_Damn you._

C'mon, it won't be so bad. It's just a bunch of innocent questions. 

Draco looked down at his paper. He grabbed his eagle feather. 

1.What's your name? _Draco Lucifer Malfoy_  
2. Nickname? _I don't have one and, if I did, I wouldn't be telling YOU_  
3. Middle name? _Are you stupid of what? Silly question. Lucifer_  
4. Any siblings? _No, the Malfoy blood is all contained in precious me_  
5. How old are you? _16_  
6. When is your birthday? _August 12th_  
7. What's your starsign? _Didn't you take Astronomy? I'm a Leo_  
8. Skin colour? _Flawless white_  
9. Hair colour? _Platinum silver blond_  
10. Eye colour? _Icy greyish blue. Fancy? Get a number_  
11. What's your favourite colour? _Black. Green and Silver are nice, too. Talk about being a Slytherin_  
12. Food? _Mustard. Why are you looking at me like that? _  
13. Room in the house? _Library. _  
14. Any special talents? _All of them_  
15. What do you want to be when you grow up? _Same thing I am now, in command of many_  
16. Your biggest dream is? _World domination. The Malfoy name makes it a little more achievable_  
17. Preferred music style? _Melodic heavy metal, classic music, anything by the Weird Sisters_  
18. What do you do in your spare time? _Conceive plans to screw Potter. Figuratively! Wipe that stupid grin outta your face now! *pulls out wand menacingly*_  
19. What would you rather do in your spare time? _Right now I'd live very much to kill you in a slow and painful way *still scowling*_  
20. What's your best treat? _Perfection, obviously_  
21. And your worst one? _A strange tendency to want to curse people that ask stupid questions. Of course I don't have bad treats! I'm Draco Lucifer Malfoy for Merlin's sake! _  
22. Any strange habits?   
Hexing people that irritate me. Ok, ok... I collect dragon sculptures. Hey it's not THAT strange, and I heard the narcissistic thing!   
23. Would you say you're shy? _Definitely no_  
24. Do you follow all the rules, or are you a rule breaker? _I make my own rules. If you don't like it, you can just kiss my... _  
25. What was your first word? _Daddy. Yeah right snicker. Did YOU start with homophobia or something?_  
26. How do you act when you're around someone you have a crush on? _Snap my fingers; then they'll come to me_  
27. Do you have a crush on someone at the moment? _No, and if I did it'd be none of your business_  
28. Describe yourself using one word: _Malfoy. Perfection. Ah, they're the same anyway_  
29. Make up a story with yourself: _There was this perfect, platinum blond-haired wizard named Draco. He at age 17 could rule the fate of many, and that only tended to grow as he got older until he was the ruler of the word. Just for the record, that is about to become a veridical tale_  
30. If you got a tattoo, where would you get it, and what would it be? _A Dragon, probably on my back_  
31. If we had proof God didn't exist, what would happen? _People would start worshipping me. A few smart girls have already started to do so *grins*_  
32. Can you do a cartwheel? _What kind of stupid question is THAT?! _  
33. What are your thoughts on homosexuality? _Anything's game_  
34. Virginity? _If you haven't had sex yet it's just because you couldn't find anyone who wanted to fuck you. That, believe me, it's not my case. _

Quick, what would you do if...? 

35. I punched you? _Owl Father and Cruciatus you to keep me entertained until he arrives and skins you alive_  
36. There was a naked man in your living room? _Depends. If it's morning, then I've just shagged him and I shove him out. If it's evening and he's attractive then I get naked too_  
37. You were on a nude beach? _I would never set foot on a nude beach. Firstly, if you want to get me naked than you'll have to make an effort. Secondly, I have *fair* skin remember? _  
38. You were on a desert island? _Disapparate back home, obviously. What? I am 16 and I can Apparate, big deal. _

Do you... 

39. Believe in God? _Well... I'm here and I'm perfect. If someone is to blame... _  
40. Smoke? _Sometimes, cinnamon cigarettes. _  
41. Snore? _Spare me. _  
42. Drool in your sleep? _Hell no the Malfoy elegance works 24/7_  
43. Sleep with socks on? _I sleep naked_  
44. Talk to yourself? _If I'm in desperate need of intelligent conversation_  
45. Enjoy being naked? _Everyone enjoys it when I'm naked_  
46. Keep a journal? _Hogwarts girls keep a detailed enough record of my life_  
47. Play any musical instruments? _Piano. Father taught me_  
48. Like to dance? _I am a natural, graceful dancer. STOP that muffled laugh, I can hear it! _  
49. Talk on the phone a lot? _What is a phone? _  
50. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend? _Suppose I'd have to choose between having one or the other, so no I don't. _  
51. A best friend? _Myself. My Father. Pretty much the same. _  
52. Kiss on your first date? _Yes_  
53. Have a crush on someone? _Not at the moment_  
54. Eat with your mouth open? _Please. I'm a Malfoy. Ill manners are not even a part of my vocabulary_

Are you... 

55. A virgin? _No_  
56. Left or right handed? _Left_  
57. A morning person? _No. I like the night... specially the moonless ones_  
58. Organised? _Sure. Father and Snape united can do that to you_  
59. Superstitious? _No_  
60. Tired? _Never_  
61. Lonely? _Sometimes... _  
62. Happy? _Whenever I look at the mirror_  
63. Talking to someone online? _Muggle stuff again. What is 'online' supposed to mean? _

Have you ever... 

64. Been kissed? _Of course_  
65. Done drugs? _Yeah... don't particularly fancy that, though. There are much better ways to get your kicks, if you know the Dark Arts. _  
66.Eaten an entire box of Oreos? _What are Oreos? _  
67. Been on stage? _The audiences love me_  
68. Dumped someone else? _Would you like an alphabetic list or a chronological one? _  
69. Been dumped by someone? _Not your business_  
70. Been in a car accident? _Potter did once. I don't mess with Muggle stuff, don't want to get my hands dirty_  
71. Been in love? _Yes. Don't you dare ask. _

Within the last 24 hours, have you... 

72. Helped someone? _Do you know who are you talking to? _  
73. Bought something? _A pair of leather pants. I'm one of the few blessed that actually look good on them_  
74. Gotten sick? _I seldom get sick_  
75. Gone to the movies? _As if this thing wasn't boring enough, there are Muggle questions. I really hate you_  
76. Gone out for dinner? _I'm at school_  
77. Said "I love you"? _No, but I've heard it a few times though_  
78. Written a real letter? _I write Father every week. And what do you mean by 'real'? _  
79. Cried? _I'm a Slytherin AND a Malfoy. Do I really need to answer that? _  
80. Talked to an ex? _Yes. Pansy won't leave me alone_  
81. Missed an ex? _I'm way beyond that_  
82. Talked to an old friend? _Yes. Professor Snape and I spent last night in a lovely continuation of a chess match. I'm winning_  
83. Had a fight with someone? _Potter. He's in the hospital wing right now, with little orange balls all over his ears_  
84. Had a serious talk? _No. _  
85. Missed someone? _Father_  
86. Hugged someone? _No_

87. What time is it? _High time this awful thing ended!_

--- 

_End. Ok, that was meaningless and damn long... but I just felt like it! _

--- 


End file.
